If you'd asked me 7 years ago if I'd do any of the following, I would've emphatically denied it. But then I became a parent... and things I thought I would never in a million years do, well, they happened.
Obsess over, count, study and document bowel movements for my newborns.
Call out all of my children's name, one after the other, internally swearing that I can't believe I've turned into my mother. Frustrated that they know good and well who I'm talking to, why don't they just answer:)
Lug a breast pump to work daily for what felt like forever, kick out my male office mate to pump and obsess over my milk inventory.
Invade every parking lot in the Tri-County area to breast feed.
Drag a screaming, yelling, hitting, tantrum throwing child by the wrist (while smiling) through a sea of onlookers- out to the car, feverishly fasten her in the car seat and speed away before someone calls DHS.
That I would fantasize about a nap and a maid.
Empathize with the woman in Target whose child is having a nervous breakdown while everyone stares at her like she is crazy.
That I would never use the restroom alone again....ever.
Find petrified cheerios and other unidentifiable food object in my car, purse, couch, bed and everywhere in between.
That my body was capable of functioning on what sometimes feels like minutes of sleep and that Kenny would somehow manage to never miss a moments sleep- It's a wonder I've allowed him to live.
That my dream get away would be- me- alone- in a hotel room- bubble bath- room service and silence...
That when my first child ate a piece of dirt I'd call Poison Control and by the time the third came along and ate fish food I'd say- Oh well it's protein.
That I would hear the word "Momma" approximately 10,343 times a week and answer to 1/3 of those inquiries while artfully blocking out the others.
Ask "Do you need to go pee?" "Did you wipe?" "Did you flush?" "Do you need to go poop?" 8000 times in each child's first 3 years of life
That I would build my entire daily schedule around nap times and meals.
That I would dream of where my breasts used to reside.
Spank my children- Prior to having kids I proudly proclaimed my beliefs for alternative discipline- naively believing that there were better options than a spanking...I know my parents got many laughs out of that one
And last but not least, Go to Victoria's Secret, select my purchase, and after the 20 year old size 2 clerk gives me the total; bust out the Dora The Explorer backpack slash diaper bag slash wallet/cell phone holder slash snack bag.... to get my debit card and hand it to the clerk as she stares at me in dismay.
Having said all of this, I also never imagined that I would ever love 3 precious girls with every ounce of my heart and soul. That being a mom would be the most exhausting, challenging, rewarding, life changing, empowering, indescribable, miraculous, sometimes overwhelming thing I would ever be so lucky to experience three times over....